A Confession

I'm scared to go to sleep tonight. There. I said it.
For the past year and a half of my life, I've headed upstairs at 9am. Once I got upstairs, I either greeted Markelle in the kitchen and had breakfast with her or I checked on her in her room. For the past month, things haven't been normal. We've had family visiting, I took a trip to NH and this week the girls have been on vacation. Tomorrow things are supposed to go back to normal. Honestly, nothing about my life in Joplin will be normal without Markelle. When I go upstairs tomorrow,  she's not going to be there, Chris will be at work and the girls will be at school. I'm going to have to begin the process of finding a new normal.

I assume that it's going to take a lot of time. Everything about this house and my daily tasks remind me of her.

One thing I know for certain, God's Spirit and grace is available to me 24/7 and He'll be walking with me up those stairs and every step of the way.

"Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine. This is my story, this is my song, praising my Savior all the day long." Let it be!

Thoughts on a Plane-12/20/12

As I was heading to NH for Christmas, I spent some time during my flight processing and here are some of my thoughts that came spilling out of my head...

I need to write. My thoughts are so disorganized and I’m having a hard time expressing everything I’m feeling. That’s probably because I’m unsure of how I’m feeling. She is gone. I just can’t believe it. I now understand what people mean when they say that they’re “at a loss for words”. I only knew M for three years but within that time frame, she changed my life. I think that no matter how much you like someone as a friend, it takes years and years before they feel like family. It’s not like that with the Dumm’s. God literally transplanted me from NH to Joplin and stuck me in their family. I didn’t do a thing. He did everything. I hear people say that they can’t believe I’m handling this job and situation so well but to me, it just seems natural and right. You help your family because it’s a natural instinct, not out of an obligation. That’s the way I feel about the Dumm’s. Actually I take that back, it’s not a natural instinct, It’s a God-given instinct. He’s the one that provides me with grace that I can’t even see but am overwhelmingly aware of it these days. He placed me in the Dumm family, gives me strength for hard days, comfort for the pain, wisdom that is definitely not from myself. He did everything. I did nothing. I was about to say, that I followed Him. That’s something that I did but really, I did even do that on my own. 

This past week has been filled with some of the most painful moments of my life, but they were also life-changing and I’m so thankful for them. I’ll always remember that last hour with Markelle, when I bawled my eyes out while I carried a sobbing little girl out to the car because she was finally being honest with her emotions. I’ll never forget sitting there at the gravesite beside my “family” while being so filled with hope and so filled with grief, staring at the picture that Cate painted on the side of the casket. It was a family picture where they’re holding hands, yet she painted me into the family. I have a hard time thinking about it without getting emotional. I know God brought me to Joplin to meet one of my best friends and to gain a new family. I know that someday I’ll leave Joplin but one thing is certain...Chris, Cate and Elena will always be my family. They mean more to me than I can put into words. I’m truly honored and blessed to be in their lives.

My life is kind of funny and not the “Hehe, God you’re so funny” but the “Wow, you’re really creative and throwing things at me I didn’t expect” kind of funny. Most kids my age are finishing up college and starting a career but instead, God gave me a new family and a wealth of unique and treasured experiences. I’m so thankful and so certain that His plans are perfect, even if they’re different from what I personally imagined. I used to feel a bit sorry for myself. I used to ask God, “Why do I have so much responsibility and other kids just get to float around and party in college?” I felt like I was 21 going on 35. I also used to wonder, “Why did you want me to grow so close to Markelle? Is it because you wanted to break my heart when you take her home with you?” Of course, the answer to both of those questions is “no.” God has worked in my life the way He has because He is good, because He has a plan and it’s glorious. I wouldn’t trade my time with Markelle for anything in the whole wide world. God changed my life through her. She was everything that I aspire to be. A best friend when I felt lonely, an encouragement at all times and she set an amazing example of what it means to follow Jesus better than anyone I’ve ever met. She went through more pain and suffering in those seven years than I could ever handle and she handled it gracefully and never complained. I would know. She never spoke badly about her husband and loved, supported and honored him in all things.  As soon as she felt “well” at all she would help the girls with homework because there was nothing she loved more than being a Mom. She was an amazing Mom! 

It took me a long time to admit to myself just how much I loved her, because I knew the more I love her the more painful seeing her die would be. I’m not going to lie, this has been the most heartbreaking experience in my life but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Even though, I’m heartbroken, I know that she is well. She is healed. She is whole and in the presence of her loving Saviour. There is no more pain, tears or anxiety that she’s experiencing but instead fullness of joy and pleasure forevermore. That is such good news. While we’re all sad and I’m worried about my brother and sisters, Chris, Cate and Elena. I’m also confident that Jesus is enough for me and for them. He will sustain us and provide the grace needed to get through each day. I’m so thankful to know the Lord and to mourn in hope for my friend Markelle. She is with Jesus and one day I’ll stand beside her and join her song of “Holy, Holy is the Lord God almighty, who was and is to come.” I eagerly await that day! In the meantime, I will continue to chase after Jesus and experience His presence daily. I want to live my life like my friend Markelle did. She loved much, experienced life richly and always put the Lord first. She lived in a way where she honored Jesus without even opening her mouth. His light shined so brightly through her because He was her first love and everything. I want to live like that. All I can say is now is, Jesus I am overwhelmed. You are so good. Markelle, I’ll miss you forever but I’ll see you soon!